Who Told Us We Had to Heal So Fast?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the pace at which we expect ourselves to heal.

Maybe it’s because conversations about healing seem to be everywhere right now. We hear terms like nervous system regulation, attachment wounds, trauma responses, boundaries, inner child work, and reparenting. Many of us have read the books, listened to the podcasts, sat in therapy sessions, journaled, prayed, reflected, and learned language to describe experiences we may have carried for years without fully understanding them.

These things can be incredibly meaningful and supportive parts of the healing process. I know they have been for me.

At the same time, I sometimes wonder if many of us have unknowingly turned healing into another thing to accomplish.

Somewhere along the way, healing began to feel less like an invitation and more like an expectation. We identify our patterns, gain insight into why we respond the way we do, and then become frustrated when we realize we still feel anxious, reactive, disappointed, or overwhelmed. We tell ourselves, “I thought I dealt with this already.” Or maybe we wonder why we are still struggling after all the work we’ve done.

As someone who appreciates growth and values self-awareness, I understand the desire to move forward. There is something comforting about feeling like we’re making progress. But I also wonder if many of us are approaching healing with the same urgency we bring to our careers, our goals, and our never-ending to-do lists.

Perhaps we’ve started treating healing as another project to complete.

Psychology teaches us that increased awareness does not always lead to immediate change. Understanding our experiences intellectually doesn’t necessarily mean our minds, bodies, and relationships have fully caught up. Sometimes we can explain exactly why we react the way we do and still find ourselves responding in familiar ways. This doesn’t mean we’re failing. It may simply mean we’re human.

As I move through my own training as a soon-to-be licensed social worker, I’ve been humbled by how often learning something clinically doesn’t automatically translate into embodying it personally. Sometimes I understand the concept long before I feel ready to live it.

If I’m being honest, I think part of my own work has been learning not to approach healing the same way I approach deadlines, school assignments, or goals. I can be incredibly patient with other people while quietly expecting myself to have figured things out by now.

I think this can be especially difficult for people accustomed to functioning well despite difficult experiences. Many of us learned to survive by staying busy, being productive, caring for others, or pushing through discomfort. We became competent, dependable, and resilient. Those qualities may have helped us navigate challenging seasons, but they can also make it hard to accept that healing rarely unfolds in a neat or predictable way.

I’ve also been reflecting on how social media has shaped our expectations of healing. We see posts about becoming the best version of ourselves, letting go, moving on, and protecting our peace. While much of this content is well-intentioned, it can sometimes leave us feeling as though healing should happen quickly if we’re doing the “right” things.

But what if healing doesn’t operate on a deadline?

What if healing is less about reaching a destination and more about learning how to relate to ourselves differently along the way?

Maybe progress isn’t measured by never feeling hurt again. Maybe it looks like noticing our patterns sooner. Maybe it looks like extending ourselves compassion when old wounds feel tender. Maybe it looks like asking for help, resting without guilt, or responding differently than we would have a year ago.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m still learning, too.

But I do wonder what might change if we stopped asking ourselves, “Why am I not healed yet?” and started asking, “What would it look like to be gentle with myself while I continue becoming?”

Healing may not always be fast, linear, or easy to measure. But perhaps there is something deeply healing about giving ourselves permission to move at the pace our minds, bodies, and hearts are ready for.

Maybe we don’t need to heal faster.

Maybe we simply need more grace while we’re growing.

Further Reading:

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

Neff, K. (2021). Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive. Harper Wave.