Why Rest Feels So Uncomfortable for High Achievers

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about rest. Not because I’ve mastered it. Quite the opposite.

I’m writing this as someone who is still learning what it means to slow down without feeling guilty. Someone who knows what it’s like to juggle multiple responsibilities, carry the mental load of a family, pursue purpose-driven goals, and still wonder why rest feels so uncomfortable.

Maybe you’ve felt it too.

Nothing is on fire. No one needs you right this second. The emails can wait. The dishes can wait. The next task on the list can wait.

And yet, instead of relief, you feel restless. Maybe your mind starts racing. Maybe you remember three things you forgot to do. Maybe you feel guilty for sitting down in the first place.

For a long time, I assumed that feeling meant I was doing rest wrong.

But now I wonder if many of us have simply been taught the wrong things about what it means to actually rest.

Especially as women, many of us have become incredibly skilled at carrying multiple things at once. Responsibilities. Expectations. Deadlines. The invisible labor that follows us from one part of the day to the next.

We carry so much that eventually carrying begins to feel normal, and rest starts to feel unfamiliar, and anything unfamiliar can feel uncomfortable.

This is particularly true for high-achieving women. Women who often hear how strong they are but rarely hear anyone ask what that strength has cost them.

I’ve noticed something in conversations with friends, colleagues, clients, and even in my own life. Many of us know how to work. But we don’t always know how to slow down and be still.

Not because we’re incapable, but because somewhere along the way, we learned that our value was connected to our productivity. We learned that being needed was meaningful.

I’ve started to wonder if the discomfort isn’t really about rest at all. Maybe it’s about what rest brings up in us. Because rest has a way of revealing things we’ve been too busy to notice. When things get quiet, there’s nothing left to distract us from ourselves.

No task to complete. Just you.

For some women, rest feels uncomfortable because we’ve spent years being rewarded for our ability to keep going.

And while there’s nothing wrong with being strong, I sometimes wonder how many of us learned to value strength while quietly neglecting ourselves in the process.

As a Black woman, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the messages many of us receive about resilience. Many of us inherited the belief that rest comes after the work is done. Not always through words. Sometimes through observation. The problem with that belief, though, is that the work is never really done.

Dr. Thema Bryant often speaks about the ways survival shapes our relationship with rest. That idea resonates deeply with me because I don’t think most women struggle with rest because they don’t value it. I think many of us struggle with rest because somewhere along the way, we learned that safety comes from staying busy.

When you’ve spent years operating that way, slowing down can feel less like self-care and more like vulnerability.

What I’ve learned is that rest isn’t always restful at first. Sometimes it feels awkward. Sometimes it feels unfamiliar. Sometimes it brings things to the surface that we’ve ignored for far too long.

But that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It might simply mean you’re learning a different way of relating to yourself. A way that isn’t built entirely on productivity. A way that isn’t dependent on being needed. A way that makes room for both purpose and peace.

If you’re someone who struggles to slow down, I want you to know you’re not alone.

Let’s slow down, pay attention, and get more curious about ourselves.

Supervised by Dr. Jennifer Vasquez, LCSW-S at Inspired Practice LLC

Sources & Further Reading

• Phillips, A. (2023). The Garden Within: Where the War with Your Emotions Ends and Your Most Powerful Life Begins. Worthy Books.

• Dalton-Smith, S. (2019). Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity. FaithWords.

• Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.

• Bryant, T. (2022). Homecoming: Overcome fear and trauma to reclaim your whole, authentic self. TarcherPerigee.

• Nagoski, E. and Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Ballantine Books.

• Maté, G. (2021). When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. Vintage Canada.